Do you have a personality disorder? Five questions to self diagnose:
1. Do you some times feel happy / sad / tired / excited / bored?
2. Do you suffer from sleep problems if you drink too much caffeine?
3. Would you defecate in argos because of their refusal to honour the points on a 1990's Esso card?
4. Do you own at least one bracelet?
5. Would you consider pushing a child into stinging nettles if they ate a cake that you planned to eat yourself?
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If you answered yes to one or more of these questions then you should seek medical help immediately. in the mean time you should claim to have one of the following illnesses:
▪ Acute stress disorder
▪ Adjustment disorders
▪ Agoraphobia
▪ alcohol and substance abuse
▪ alcohol and substance dependence
▪ Amnesia
▪ Anxiety disorders
▪ Anorexia nervosa
▪ Antisocial personality disorder
▪ Asperger's syndrome, also known as Asperger's disorder
▪ Attention deficit disorder
▪ Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder
▪ Autism
▪ Avoidant personality disorder
▪ Bereavement
▪ Bibliomania
▪ Binge eating disorder (proposed)
▪ Bipolar disorder
▪ Body dysmorphic disorder
▪ Borderline personality disorder
▪ Brief psychotic disorder
▪ Bulimia nervosa
▪ Conduct disorder
▪ Conversion disorder
▪ Cyclothymia (or Cyclothymic disorder)
▪ Delusional disorder
▪ Dependent personality disorder
▪ Depersonalization disorder
▪ Depression
▪ Disorder of written expression
▪ Dissociative fugue
▪ Dissociative identity disorder
▪ Dyspareunia
▪ Dysthymic disorder
▪ Encopresis
▪ Enuresis (bedwetting)
▪ Exhibitionism
▪ Expressive language disorder
▪ Female and male orgasmic disorders
▪ Female sexual arousal disorder
▪ Folie à deux
▪ Frotteurism
▪ Gender identity disorder
▪ Generalized anxiety disorder
▪ General adaptation syndrome
▪ Histrionic personality disorder
▪ Hyperactivity disorder
▪ Primary hypersomnia
▪ Hypoactive sexual desire disorder
▪ Hypochondriasis
▪ Hyperkinetic syndrome
▪ Hysteria
▪ Intermittent explosive disorder
▪ Joubert syndrome
▪ Kleptomania
▪ Mania
▪ Male erectile disorder
▪ Munchausen syndrome
▪ Mathematics disorder
▪ Multiple personality disorder
▪ Narcissistic personality disorder
▪ Narcolepsy
▪ Nightmare disorder
▪ Obsessive-compulsive disorder
▪ Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder
▪ Oppositional defiant disorder
▪ Pain disorder
▪ Panic attacks
▪ Panic disorder
▪ Paranoid personality disorder
▪ Pathological gambling
▪ Pervasive Developmental Disorder
▪ Pica
▪ Post-traumatic stress disorder
▪ Premature ejaculation
▪ Primary insomnia
▪ Psychotic disorder, not otherwise specified
▪ Pyromania
▪ Reading disorder
▪ Retts disorder
▪ Rumination disorder
▪ Schizoaffective disorder
▪ Schizoid personality disorder
▪ Schizophrenia
▪ Schizophreniform disorder
▪ Schizotypal personality disorder
▪ Seasonal affective disorder
▪ Separation anxiety disorder
▪ Shared psychotic disorder
▪ Sleep disorder
▪ Sleep terror disorder
▪ Sleepwalking disorder
▪ Social phobia
▪ Somatization disorder
▪ Specific phobias
▪ Stereotypic movement disorder
▪ Stuttering
▪ Tourette syndrome
▪ Transient tic disorder
▪ Trichotillomania
Note of caution: if you tell people you have Catatonic Schizophrenia then they might smell a rat. so leave a note and go to bed.
