i just coughed up some onion. weird.

i'm reading an interesting book on abstract expressionism. the more i look at paintings and art i come to realise that it's totally subjective. i mean i've long-known that to be the case, but it's a bit like in platoon where willem dafoe and tom beringer and trying to get charlie sheen to give them a cuddle and he's like oh whatever. so basically i feel a bit like that with conceptualising work and just doing whatever i want. obviously i have to conceptualise stuff to make progress on my degree, but it's actually soul destroying to over-analyse something really nice that you enjoy. like eating crisps. obviously what i do is for a reason, but at the same time i don't want to over burden my brain with anything more than what kind of sandwich i should make. i don't mean that literally. but what i'm getting at is that i'm torn by two camps and i only want to stay in one of them. i.e. making stuff that i want to make. oh i just need to come up with some crap to support me doing what i'm impulsively inclined to do. sometimes i wonder what i'm talking about. there are loads of ideas and theory behind what i'm doing but i'm so scared of being pretentious that i don't want to talk about anything to do with that.